After laughs, good food with my mentor he asked me “what happened to the girl I met 4 years ago?”
Within the first few seconds I thought he was going to say someone else’s name and then it hit me – he meant Miss I!
Right there and then I started crying!
I always look at this picture and I wonder if I will ever go back to this lady.
When I stopped blogging I was hoping I could get my confidence back so that I can continue sharing inspirational stories with my audience. 1 year passed, 2 years and now it’s 2018 and I still feel worse than I did when I stopped blogging. I meet people that know me as Miss I and they give me the look of “this confident, go-getter lady” and I always wish I could see myself in their eyes.
My confidence has been affected by external factors which is a story for another day. It’s important I mention that because naturally we are confident people, we are just influenced by situations around us. It’s an on-going process. One person does something that hurts you and just when you think you will have a break another person disappoints you in ways worse than the previous person. And the vicious cycle continues, decreasing your self-confidence with time.
I tried to compensate for my low self-confidence through investments. After I bought land I really waited to hold the title deed. I was hoping that when I see it with my own eyes and hold it with my own hands – I will feel a little more confident. When I finally held my title deed, things didn’t go as planned. Can’t necessarily say I felt worse, or better – I just remember learning that you can’t buy confidence.
Don’t get me wrong, I bought the land because I also want to accumulate assets. I was just hoping that the by-product would be more confidence. But I’ve soon come to realize no amount of money and assets can make you confident. It sure can grant you the right to care less, and by that a lot of things will stop bothering you unnecessarily. When less things bother you, your confidence is less jeopardized. I mean you can do whatever you want, and that’s not a bad thing at all.
However, my confidence did increase when I started my Masters at Trinity Business School. First of all I was paying for myself fees in a European University. Not once in my Life did I ever think that I would afford that at 25. I remember in high school my classmates would discuss all these amazing international universities they planned to enroll in. I didn’t even try to dream of a scholarship in these schools, it just wasn’t a dream I could afford to have. I was wrong, because guess who just finished her 1st year at Trinity Business School – ME!
It felt nice paying for my school fees because it meant believing in myself which I am struggling to feel a lot more often. I am actually eager to pay for my second year fees because it’s just a confidence boost to see that I have continuously believed in myself to finish my Masters degree. It’s not a sustainable confidence boost model, but at least it’s a start. If you are struggling with low self-esteem/self-confidence, take yourself to school. Confidence comes from within, and investing in your knowledge will 100% increase your confidence levels.
After I dropped my mentor home I thought to myself that may be I should share this rough patch with my readers. I bet I am not the only battling with low self-confidence. I’ve received a couple of great comments on my CV article. People are really impressed with what I have managed to achieve thus far. But I don’t see myself in the eyes of my readers, and that’s a big challenge that I need to overcome.
Lastly, please don’t see me as a victim. That is the last thing I need. Truth be told I have been a victim for the last 2 years. Those that know my story tell me I’m the strongest person they have ever met. What you need to understand is that continuous fighting gets really tiring and eventually self-confidence gets affected in the long-run. But even then, I don’t need anyone’s pity. After all, I am only a victim in one sphere of my Life. I count my blessings, and the last time I checked, they outweigh the rough patch I am in.
Things happen for a reason. May be God wanted me to know what low self-confidence is so that I am in a better position to inspire my audience. When I was blogging I was in a constant high – awards after awards, interviews after interviews and everyone including myself could see that I am acing it in Life. You know what they say, success is not end, it’s standing up each time you fall.
I consider publishing this blog post exposing my vulnerability me standing up after the great falls I’ve had since 2017. I don’t know if I will go back to the Miss I we all knew in 2014. May be I am the same person, perhaps better. I really don’t know and I don’t want to rush the reflection, I will however share the journey with you. What I know for sure is that I should love myself the same, whether I have high or low self-confidence – workin on that!
I hope my vulnerability inspires you to stand up each time you fall.